Juhu-rassic Duniya

After almost 20 years, one of the greatest movie franchises is returning with another installment. I have been a huge fan of the Jurassic Park series and have seen each part – yes, even Jurassic Park 3 – so many times that I know more about dinosaurs than I know about human beings. I remember every scene from each of the movies and I still get scared watching the velociraptor and his cronies stalk those kids in the first part even though there are more terrible things in the world such as rape, terrorism, Justin Bieber etc. Anyway, as soon as I booked the movie tickets and was flaunting them more proudly than Barcelona fans after winning the Champion’s League final, one of my acquaintances remarked “Jurassic Park is a movie for kids!”

There aren’t many things in the world that irritate me/frustrate me/boil my blood and vaporize it/make me explode. Other than Honey Singh, Ekta Kapoor, Justin Bieber (already mentioned in opening paragraph) … Umm, anyway! That statement somehow angered me so much that the brand ambassador of anger, Hulk himself, would seem like a pretty kitten with a pretty pink bow. I generally try and avoid assaulting such people even though they may deserve it because such violent acts tend to be followed by a lengthy punishment for the culprit unless he has an entourage of people kissing his behind and voicing their support for him and going on hunger strikes or he has enough money to delay the court hearing by many years while systematically destroying critical evidence and making witnesses disappear faster than Honey Singh can say ‘Yo’. So, I took a deep breath and counted to ten and diverted my energy into thinking of some ways in which our movie/serial makers could spoil ruin annihilate destroy adapt the original movie and release our very own desi version.

Rohit Shetty – The title of the movie will be ‘Golmaal, 65 million years later’.  The movie will not have a specific story but will involve a lot of exploding cars, monorails, Gyro spheres, flying/bouncing/revolving dinosaurs* and Ajay Devgan.

Ekta Kapoor – Firstly the male lead would naturally be a female with a very Sanskari name. She and other members of her ‘richer than God’ family will be part of a tour group of a motley collection of bad actors who couldn’t get a part in any other movie or TV show. They will get attacked by dinosaurs, between long advertisement breaks, but the Sanskari bahu will give a monolinguistic speech and rationalize with the dinosaurs about the perils of eating humans and ask them how they’ll feel if humans ate them instead. She’ll convince them to give up eating meat and even make the female dinosaurs fast on Tuesdays for the safety of their husbands because being a dinosaur brings with it a perilous environment and a surprisingly high rate of mortality especially if there is a huge genetically modified carnivore with anger issues on the loose. The tour will obviously last so long that the dinosaurs will commit suicide become extinct and just when you’re thinking that the movie is about to end while counting the number of hairs that have turned grey, there will be a generation leap and the tour will repeat with the same family albeit with their great-great-great grandchildren.

Salman Khan – No prizes for guessing the lead actor in this movie. The main plot of this movie will have ‘Bhai’ taking a group of poor children to visit the park because they don’t have any money for food or clothing but seeing dinosaurs will somehow make them feel better about their wretched lives. He will, of course, meet the love of his life in the park and he will impress her by wrestling the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex will lose but the hero will get badly injured and his heroine will fall in love with him while tending to his injuries. At the same time, the villain will unleash hell upon the park visitors because he has been training a genetically enhanced dinosaur who has not eaten anything since the last Jurassic Park movie released. The onus will fall upon ‘Bhai’ to take down this deadly beast in a battle grander than any that Godzilla may have been a part of. The movie will have a happy ending with the hero marrying the heroine, adopting the poor kids and receiving the gratitude of the other dinosaurs in the park for saving them from the deadly beast. And yes, there will be an item song thrown in, featuring Sunny Leone and some of the more talented velociraptors.

As you can see, this guy seems particularly enthusiastic about showing off his dancing skills in the blockbuster

Himesh Reshammiya – The film got shelved because the dinosaurs killed themselves when they realized that Himesh was producing, directing, writing, acting in and singing in the movie.

Me – As a bonus to all those who went through the entire piece, I took the liberty of penning down a script for this movie. The following people will play a major role in the movie. Salman Khan, Honey Singh, Rakhi Sawant, Rohit Shetty, Himesh Reshammiya, Justin Bieber, Ekta Kapoor and a carefully chosen list of characters who exhibit the following trait. They make us want to bang our heads against the wall until we lose the capacity to think and stoop to a level that will actually make us appreciate their talent. Anyway, these people will be sent to an island and will have to fight each other to the death (Hunger Games style) while being hunted by an assortment of carnivorous dinosaurs. The last man standing will be crowned as a champion but then, in a plot twist, straight out of a Martin Scorsese movie, just as the champion is celebrating, a T-Rex will jump out of nowhere and gobble him down. A happier ending I couldn’t imagine!

*In order to appease those guys from PETA, we shall be adding the following disclaimer: "No dinosaurs were harmed during the making of the movie unless you count the mental stress inflicted on them due to the presence of the director"