After almost 20 years, one of the greatest movie franchises
is returning with another installment. I have been a huge fan of the Jurassic
Park series and have seen each part – yes, even Jurassic Park 3 – so many times
that I know more about dinosaurs than I know about human beings. I remember
every scene from each of the movies and I still get scared watching the velociraptor
and his cronies stalk those kids in the first part even though there are more
terrible things in the world such as rape, terrorism, Justin Bieber etc.
Anyway, as soon as I booked the movie tickets and was flaunting them more
proudly than Barcelona fans after winning the Champion’s League final, one of
my acquaintances remarked “Jurassic Park is a movie for kids!”
There aren’t many things in the world that irritate me/frustrate
me/boil my blood and vaporize it/make me explode. Other than Honey Singh, Ekta
Kapoor, Justin Bieber (already mentioned in opening paragraph) … Umm, anyway! That
statement somehow angered me so much that the brand ambassador of anger, Hulk himself,
would seem like a pretty kitten with a pretty pink bow. I generally try and
avoid assaulting such people even though they may deserve it because such violent
acts tend to be followed by a lengthy punishment for the culprit unless he has
an entourage of people kissing his behind and voicing their support for him and
going on hunger strikes or he has enough money to delay the court hearing by many
years while systematically destroying critical evidence and making witnesses
disappear faster than Honey Singh can say ‘Yo’. So, I took a deep breath and
counted to ten and diverted my energy into thinking of some ways in which our movie/serial
makers could spoil ruin annihilate destroy adapt
the original movie and release our very own desi version.
Rohit Shetty – The
title of the movie will be ‘Golmaal, 65 million years later’. The movie will not have a specific story but
will involve a lot of exploding cars, monorails, Gyro spheres, flying/bouncing/revolving
dinosaurs* and Ajay Devgan.
Ekta Kapoor –
Firstly the male lead would naturally be a female with a very Sanskari name.
She and other members of her ‘richer than God’ family will be part of a tour
group of a motley collection of bad actors who couldn’t get a part in any other
movie or TV show. They will get attacked by dinosaurs, between long
advertisement breaks, but the Sanskari bahu will give a monolinguistic speech
and rationalize with the dinosaurs about the perils of eating humans and ask
them how they’ll feel if humans ate them instead. She’ll convince them to give
up eating meat and even make the female dinosaurs fast on Tuesdays for the
safety of their husbands because being a dinosaur brings with it a perilous
environment and a surprisingly high rate of mortality especially if there is a
huge genetically modified carnivore with anger issues on the loose. The tour
will obviously last so long that the dinosaurs will commit suicide become
extinct and just when you’re thinking that the movie is about to end while
counting the number of hairs that have turned grey, there will be a generation
leap and the tour will repeat with the same family albeit with their great-great-great
grandchildren.
Salman Khan – No
prizes for guessing the lead actor in this movie. The main plot of this movie
will have ‘Bhai’ taking a group of poor children to visit the park because they
don’t have any money for food or clothing but seeing dinosaurs will somehow make
them feel better about their wretched lives. He will, of course, meet the love
of his life in the park and he will impress her by wrestling the Tyrannosaurus
Rex. The T-Rex will lose but the hero will get badly injured and his heroine
will fall in love with him while tending to his injuries. At the same time, the
villain will unleash hell upon the park visitors because he has been training a
genetically enhanced dinosaur who has not eaten anything since the last
Jurassic Park movie released. The onus will fall upon ‘Bhai’ to take down this
deadly beast in a battle grander than any that Godzilla may have been a part
of. The movie will have a happy ending with the hero marrying the heroine,
adopting the poor kids and receiving the gratitude of the other dinosaurs in
the park for saving them from the deadly beast. And yes, there will be an item
song thrown in, featuring Sunny Leone and some of the more talented velociraptors.
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| As you can see, this guy seems particularly enthusiastic about showing off his dancing skills in the blockbuster |
Himesh Reshammiya – The
film got shelved because the dinosaurs killed themselves when they realized
that Himesh was producing, directing, writing, acting in and singing in the
movie.
Me – As a bonus
to all those who went through the entire piece, I took the liberty of penning
down a script for this movie. The following people will play a major role in
the movie. Salman Khan, Honey Singh, Rakhi Sawant, Rohit Shetty, Himesh Reshammiya,
Justin Bieber, Ekta Kapoor and a carefully chosen list of characters who exhibit
the following trait. They make us want to bang our heads against the wall until we lose the capacity to think and stoop to a level that will actually make
us appreciate their talent. Anyway, these people will be sent to an island and
will have to fight each other to the death (Hunger Games style) while being
hunted by an assortment of carnivorous dinosaurs. The last man standing will be
crowned as a champion but then, in a plot twist, straight out of a Martin
Scorsese movie, just as the champion is celebrating, a T-Rex will jump out of
nowhere and gobble him down. A happier ending I couldn’t imagine!
*In order to appease those guys from PETA, we shall be adding the
following disclaimer: "No dinosaurs were harmed during the making
of the movie unless you count the mental stress inflicted on them due to the
presence of the director"
